This post is part of a series about writing with a co-author. To read all my advice about the full process of collaborative writing (including stories and bonus chapters not found here on the blog), read my book, In It Together, a guide to writing with a co-writer without losing your mind.
Let’s face it, most people are not the best communicators. Even those who are good at communication in some circumstances can devolve quickly when they’re upset, stressed, or disagreeing about things that deeply matter. If you’re writing a book with another person, you’re bound to find yourself in all of those situations at one time or another. And when you do, you’re likely to engage in some unhelpful communication strategies in an effort to manage your own stress level and to get what you want—but when you do, you sabotage your own goals and your partnership.
Let’s start by talking about what our communication with our partner should not look like. Lest you think I’m judging you again, you should know that I’ve made all of these mistakes in my collaborative relationships at one point or another, so trust me, I know how easy it is to fall into unhelpful communication patterns, and how much better your communication can be when you learn to avoid those traps.
What Not To Do
Begin with Accusations
If you’re upset about something that’s going poorly in your partnership, one of the worst things you can do is begin that conversation with an accusation. Announcing to your partner that “You never doing any of the work!” or “You didn’t do any of the things you said you would do!” or “You’re being a bully!” will only serve to shut down communication and put them on the defensive. When you begin with accusations, you ensure that what follows will go poorly. If your partner is an ideal communicator, they might sidestep your invitation for unproductive discourse, but it’s not fair to rely on them to get the partnership back on course when you’ve so thoroughly disembarked from the path of productive communication yourself.
Assume You Know What Your Partner Is Thinking
This goes along with accusations, but one should never assume that they know what their partner was thinking, and should certainly never assume malice. When you accuse your partner of failing to write a chapter they agreed to out of spite, or intentionally ignoring a request that they may simply have forgotten, or pretending to be confused to manipulate you, you deprive yourself of really knowing what was happening on your partner’s side. Maybe they had a legitimate problem with that chapter and were waiting to talk to you about how to proceed. Maybe they simply misunderstood your request, or didn’t receive it. Maybe they honestly forgot. Maybe they are honestly confused.
It’s hard enough to keep track of what’s going on in our own minds; it’s never helpful to assume what’s going on in your partner’s, particularly if you’re telling yourself an unflattering story. It’s tempting to make yourself the hero of the story, deserving of grace for your own failings, while painting your partner as the villain who did things to harm you on purpose.
But unless you are working with an actual super villain, this is unlikely to be the case. Generally people do things for legitimate reasons. Even if they’ve made a mistake, they probably didn’t do so to intentionally sabotage their business partner. Asking questions will get you a lot farther toward solving problems than baseless assumptions.
Address Issues in the Heat of the Moment
If most arguments start because the instigator is feeling a high level of stress and emotion, it stands to reason that most of us do better addressing issues after we’ve calmed down a bit. It’s tempting to jump in (often with an assumption and an accusation) at the exact moment your annoyance is triggered, which is why so many annoyances build up over time, only to be unloaded at the smallest infraction. This leaves your co-author feeling blindsided and attacked, and also gives the impression that you’re blowing the whole issue out of proportion.
And with good reason! They are being blindsided and attacked, and the things that trigger ire in the moment are rarely the soul of the issue at hand. You’ll have much better success if you swallow your outburst in the moment, do some soul searching about what’s actually bothering you, and present your concerns when you are ready to be kind and thoughtful, rather than when you’re filled to bursting with emotion.
Speak in Absolutes
As much as we all love to throw around words like “I always” and “you never,” these words are helpful even less often than they are true. Rather than generalizing a problem into something your partner “always” or “never” does, stick to the issue at hand. Did they do this thing this one time? Is it observable and true? You’re much more likely to get a positive response when talking about a specific instance than you are when you bring “always” and “never” into the equation.
In the event that you need to talk about a pattern of behavior, you can still avoid speaking in absolutes. “I’ve noticed when X happens you tend to Y, for example last week when . . .” will still get a better response than “Everytime X happens you always Y . . .”
Overgeneralizing raises the chances that your discussion will devolve into the definition of “always” or become focused on the times when your partner had a different response, which is not helpful and won’t get your problem addressed.
Sugarcoat at the Expense of Clarity
So far we’ve discussed aggressive communication strategies, and those of you who are less prone to outburst are probably feeling pretty good about yourselves! Alas, being too nice can be just as destructive to a partnership as accusations or attacks; when you sugarcoat your opinions to the point of obscuring them, your mangle your message so it won’t be clearly received.
Being too nice? Is this really a problem? It is, because communication cannot occur when one partner is so concerned about hurting the other’s feelings or causing conflict that they hide the full extent of the truth from their partner. Over time, unaddressed problems will build up, and the partner who doing the sugarcoating will be unable to get their needs met or their voice heard. At best, this causes resentment and confusion, which is bad enough, but it can be much worse.
I’m aware of one partnership in which the partner in charge of the finances was afraid to tell their team that they were having cash flow problems. Because the situation was sugarcoated, the team made several financial decisions they would not have made if they had understood the full truth, landing them in a mountain of debt, unable to fulfill their obligations to their customers, and leaving them on the verge of bankruptcy. In the worst cases, withheld information may result in grave errors that can be both traumatic and costly, potentially ending the partnership and having ramifications that outlast it.
It’s good to be kind and to care about your partner’s feelings, but the kindest thing in any circumstance is to make sure that your honest input is communicated clearly, even if you know your partner isn’t going to like it.
Stay Silent to Keep the Peace
A sister to sugarcoating, remaining silent about problems in your partnership will only allow those problems to fester. Contrary to the Disney wisdom, “if you can’t say something nice, don’t say anything at all,” in a partnership you must speak your mind. Communication is not limited to either speaking with accusations or remaining silent; we can all learn to speak clearly and kindly, even when we know our partner may not like what we have to say.
Give Up Too Early
Many partnerships end because, instead of trying to communicate more clearly and recognizing their own contributions to miscommunication, partners let resentment build until it seems the only thing left to do is walk away. Some partnerships must end, especially if one collaborator refuses invitations to communicate appropriately or demonstrate mutual respect over a long period of time. But many times, if we really look at our own behavior and make changes, things can improve and the partnership can continue. Giving up too early deprives everyone of the opportunity to grow, change, and discover what beautiful things might come out of the collaborative creative process.
A Word about Boundaries, Ultimatums, and Threats
Everyone knows you’re supposed to have good boundaries, but so many times when we go to express them, what comes out is not a boundary, but instead a threat or an ultimatum, both of which are destructive communication practices. So what is the difference?
A boundary is a clear expression of what you will do in a given circumstance. It is tied to concrete behavior, and very specific. For example, “When you speak to me in that way, I feel attacked. In the future, if you begin to take a harsh tone in your criticism, I will immediately end the conversation. We can continue the conversation later, when we’ve both calmed down.” Boundaries are a fantastic tool for communicating what you are and are not okay with in the context of a partnership.
But so often when we mean to communicate a clear boundary, we miss the mark. What comes out is an ultimatum, or worse, a threat. An ultimatum is a statement that unfairly leverages the future of the partnership in an attempt to change our partner’s behavior. Our previous example might morph from boundary to ultimatum thusly: “If you ever speak that way to me again then we are done working together.” Occasionally an ultimatum is a necessary measure, but it’s only appropriate when dealing with the worst kinds of behavior. It is perfectly fair (though hopefully unnecessary in most situations!) to say, “If you physically assault me, our partnership will be over.” But the vast majority of behaviors do not warrant this kind of leveraging of the relationship, and so ultimatums are best avoided in almost all cases. When they are used in unwarranted situations, they are a form of coercion. One partner is forced to capitulate to the other or risk losing the partnership entirely, which is manipulative, unfair, and will create an unhealthy working dynamic over time.
Of course, sometimes we don’t stop at ultimatums. Sometimes we slide even further down the inappropriate communication rabbit hole into threats. What makes a statement a threat? Unlike a boundary, which focuses on clear, concrete, and appropriate actions you will take, such as removing yourself from a harmful situation, a threat doubles down on the problematic behavior you’re trying to address and adds to it a promise that you, too, will also behave badly. “If you ever speak to me like that again I will post your response on the Internet so everyone will know what a big jerk you are!” Ouch. Now we’ve moved from taking clear steps to protect ourselves into retribution territory, and retribution has no place in a partnership. The old adage, “two wrongs don’t make a right” has never applied more. So when you’re ready to address problems in your partnership, check yourself to make sure your boundaries aren’t being communicated in the form of ultimatums or threats, because doing so will deeply mar your message and greatly reduce the likelihood your communication will be favorably received.
This kind of communication also increases the likelihood of escalation, where both of you devolve into poorer and poorer communication strategies. This, my friends, is how partnerships come to miserable, dramatic, and unnecessary ends.
What About Your Partner?
As you read this, chances are you’re seeing yourself in some of these strategies. That’s okay! It’s even a good thing; it puts you miles ahead of the writer who is certain their communication is always perfect and pure. It also arms you with information you may need to improve your own communication in your partnership.
But what if you’re also seeing your partner in some of these problems? What if your partner also sometimes puts you on the defensive, assumes what you’re thinking, or stays silent when they should speak up?
First, it’s again important to remember that we can only change ourselves. If we try to change our partners, we will cause new problems rather than solve old ones. Secondly, we can’t even make suggestions about our partner’s communication when we are embroiled in poor communication strategies ourselves. Drowning people are better helped when their rescuers have solid footing; if we start to make suggestions about our partner’s poor communication when we are, ourselves, issuing ultimatums or beginning with accusations, they will be quick to point out our hypocrisy, and our message will be obfuscated.
So, much like with mutual respect, we need to first work on our own communication failings, and then decide which, if any, of our partner’s communication problems need to be brought up in a clear way at a time when we are not currently on fire with emotion about them.
And then, once you have clearly presented your partner with your suggestions about how they might also help improve communication between you, it’s up to them whether they want to take you up on your suggestion and make changes. You aren’t responsible for anyone’s behavior but your own, but if you’ve made kind suggestions on multiple occasions, without accusation, assumption, sugarcoating, or emotional charge, and your partner isn’t receptive to hearing what you’re saying or respectful of your boundaries over a period of time, then it might be time to consider whether the partnership can be saved.
What To Do
We’ve covered what not to do, but it’s difficult to avoid unhelpful behaviors unless we can replace them with tools that are more useful and likely to succeed. Let’s talk about some of those.
Say What You Mean
This may seem simple, but it’s amazing how much of the time, especially in casual speech, we say something completely different than what we mean. And despite our imprecise language, we then want to hold other people accountable for what we said, even though in many cases we didn’t actually communicate the things we meant in the first place.
Don’t complain to your partner about their bad grammar when you’re actually upset at them for making a story decision you don’t like. Don’t open a conversation with “this is probably a stupid idea, but . . .” unless you think it is, in fact, a stupid idea. Don’t begin a sentence with “this isn’t a big deal, but . . .” if it is, in fact, a big deal. Definitely don’t threaten to abandon your partnership unless you are actually ready to quit, and have thought this through and made that decision at a time when you were clear headed instead of the heat of the moment.
Many misunderstandings can be headed off if we take the time to make sure what we’re saying is what we actually mean—and that we’re getting at the core of the issue instead of dancing around it complaining about things that ultimately don’t matter.
Speak to Your Own Experience
Instead of attacking your partner or assuming what they’re thinking, you can stick to your own experiences. “I was frustrated when I didn’t receive that chapter on time,” is much more likely to get a helpful response than “You don’t respect our agreements.” One makes an assumption about your partner’s intent, while the other speaks only to things about which you have firsthand knowledge. Likewise, when addressing your partner’s behavior, you can use words that recognize that you don’t have access to what’s going on in their mind. “You seem upset about . . .” will get you a lot further than a certain accusation about your partner’s inner thoughts.
Be Open to Your Partner’s Perspective
Chances are, your partner also has things that are bothering them, things they may not have addressed with you yet. Some of these things may be connected to the same things you’re experiencing, and others might be things that aren’t bothering you at all. Regardless, we need to enter conversations open to our partner’s ideas and perspective, not only when we’re brainstorming the work but also when we’re troubleshooting challenges.
If we want to be heard in our partnerships, we need to be equally willing to listen. If we want our partners to be receptive to our ideas, we need to be equally receptive to theirs.
Seek to Deescalate
If ultimatums and threats can escalate a conflict, then kind, understanding, patient words can have the opposite effect. If you notice anger is brewing and communication is devolving, take a moment to ask yourself what the most kind, helpful, and understanding response might be. How can you—without ignoring the conflict at hand—begin to deescalate the circumstances of the conversation so that communication can happen in a calm and clear manner? This starts with an intention; so many of the unhelpful communication strategies stoke the fires of conflict or burrow into the sands of avoidance. Instead, when we actively commit to fostering understanding and deescalating conflict, we can steer derailed conversations back onto a more productive course.
Address One Issue at a Time and Stay on Topic
When you begin to discuss a problem in your partnership, it’s tempting to pull out every single problem that has been bothering you and pile it on top of the heap. While we’re all uncomfortable, might as well be uncomfortable about everything at once, right?
Wrong. When we jump around from problem to problem, we risk confusing our partner or causing them to feel ambushed, which will make everyone less capable of handling the situation maturely and proposing intelligent solutions.
Beginning with one problem and resolving it will help to get that one problem solved in a calmer and more logical fashion. It might mean we need to have multiple conversations, but many conversations in which problems are solved are miles better than one conversation which only buries you deeper.
Have Your Partner’s Best Interests At Heart
Disputes with your partner should be about finding compromises and solutions that work for both of you, not about winning a debate. At all times, we should treat our partners as human beings with needs and desires that matter to us, whether they match up with our own or not. When you care as much about your partner getting what they want as you do about achieving your own goals, you’ll slow down, listen to their perspective, and be eager to find compromises that work for both of you.
Speak Up For Yourself
But definitely don’t give up everything you want in an attempt to make your partner happy! This, like silence and sugarcoating, will only do a disservice to your project and lead to more problems down the road. Your ideas are also important, and you deserve to be heard! When you are each valuing and listening to the other’s perspective, that’s where the magic happens, so be sure to speak up—kindly and clearly—so that your ideas and your needs don’t get lost.
Back to boundaries—it’s important that you respect yourself by clearly communicating what is and isn’t okay with you, and taking reasonable, non-threatening or relationship-leveraging steps to protect yourself, like ending a conversation that has gone off the rails to return to it at a later, safer time.
Keep Talking Until You Reach a Consensus
Part of the social contract in your partnership, particularly in an equal partnership structure, is that neither of you will try to end a conversation early as a means of trying to get your way. You might end the conversation for the moment so that everyone has time to think, calm down, or brainstorm new ideas. You certainly should have boundaries for when it’s time to give it up for the day and come back later. But no negotiation can be truly laid to bed until both people have agreed without being pressured, manipulated, or coerced.
In all conversations, it’s important that we remain flexible without being people-pleasing. If we’re too rigid, we’ll use manipulative tactics or giving up too soon. If we prioritize keeping the peace over finding a consensus, then the decisions we make as a partnership will be worse, and we will also feel worse about them. Decisions made under coercive circumstances or made quickly just to please our partner almost always come around to bite us later in the form of resentment, which will we address in chapter ten.
That was a lot of strategies, both positive and negative, and chances are you’re great at some of them and less so at others. Like with mutual respect, we would all love to work with (and be!) a partner who uses only helpful communication and avoids all destructive communication strategies at all times. Unfortunately, that person also does not exist. We all communicate with a mix of helpful and unhelpful strategies, with our own unique fingerprint of strengths and weaknesses.
The good news is that communication is a skill like any other, and you can change your behavior and do better in the future. Learning to communicate clearly and kindly will help you prevent a whole host of partnership issues, and will make those that can’t be prevented a whole lot more pleasant (and possible!) to work through.
