Month: May 2010

My life continues to hurtle forward at unstoppable speed:

We are under contract for a house.

You didn’t know we were looking, you say?

Yeah. 

Neither did we.

So, my life is freaking awesome.  I’m never quite sure how to deal with that, because thinking my life is awesome is rather new to me.

Sometimes I think I come across as too negative on the internet.  But that’s mostly because I think I sound like such a brat if I say, hey, my life is awesome.  

It’s not that I don’t have problems.  I do.  But I also co-own a successful business in an improbable and crazy awesome industry.  (First thing people say when I tell them what Drew’s job is: you can make a living doing that?  Yes, apparently you can.  It’s a surprise to us, too.)  I also get to write books.  (The selling of said books is a nice perk, but my life was awesome before that.  It does, however, mean I don’t have to quit, something I was dangerously close to doing.)  I have a great husband, who works hard and plays hard right along with me.  I also have a collection of awesome friends.  Sometimes I am amazed at how very awesome my friends are.  I love you all. 

We’ve also got big things in the works that, while terrifying, are going to be good.

See?  See how bratty I sound?  I’m so unused to all of this awesome that I don’t know how to talk about it appropriately.  This is all new territory for me.

I think I’m going to go back to complaining now.

The last few years for me have been like a roller coaster.  I don’t mean that things were up and down.  Not at all.  In fact, I spent a year and a half doing the equivalent of waiting in a very long line.

Nothing was moving.  No matter what I did, I saw no forward motion.  I got up every day, went through the motions, and wished for the day when I could just pick new goals that might *someday* move.  Somewhere.  Anywhere.  I felt I would never arrive at the front of that line.

And then, about two months or so ago, I got to the front.  I climbed into the seat.  I buckled in.

And now my life is catapulting forward at such speed, with such gut-churning momentum, that. I. just. want. it. to. stop.  STOP!

Why did I think waiting in this line was a good idea, anyway?

Sometimes people do horrible things.  Terrible things.  Things you can’t imagine a person would ever do, certainly not someone you know.
Certainly not someone who goes to church, or gives to charity, or both.
Certainly not the person who helped you fix your car, and didn’t expect anything in return.
Certainly not the person who smiles at you every time you see them.

Except that sometimes, otherwise good people do horrible things, like abuse other people.

We all want to believe that abusers are bad through and through–that you could recognize them just by looking at them, or that you could eliminate abuse as a possibility just by seeing someone do nice things.  Believing this makes the world feel safer, because it means no one you know could possibly be an abuser.

Except that’s not how it is.  Most abusers are nice people.  They go to church; they give to charity; they help you fix your car.
They love their children; they love their spouse.
And because of all these things, you close your eyes to the warnings.  You assume the best.  Because that’s what’s reasonable to do.

Except that abuse is an unreasonable circumstance which makes the reasonable thing the dead wrong thing.
Except when you turn that blind eye–when you assume a person with good qualities cannot be an abuser–you give them the shelter they need to just keep on abusing.
Because abusers surround themselves with communities that accept abuse.  That’s what abusers do.

The best thing we can do to make sure we aren’t creating those communities is to educate ourselves about what abuse really looks like (and what it doesn’t look like) and make sure we listen when other people are crying out for help.

There’s this Rembrants song I used to listen to during finals week in college.  It goes like this:

I’ve got these feelings I’m trying to deal with
I’m not sure you understand
If I seem like I’m too preoccupied
To fit into your plans
It’s just that it’s one thing on top of another
And now it’s one too many high
I wonder how many piles of things it takes
To bury me alive

For the first time since graduating, I have the urge to break out that song.  The trouble is, in college, no matter how stressful finals are they are always over in a week.

This mountain of things I have to do?  Is not going to be over in a week.

And when I’m done, I’m going to be buried under MORE responsibility, not less.

And if I fail the class, I can’t just repeat it.

I do not for one moment want to go back to school.  But sometimes being an adult just sucks.

[As a side note, last week I took down all my lj icons that had other people’s intellectual property on them.  It was time.  But now, I find myself with a shortage of ranty icons.  Thank goodness for the two Mandy made me.  Thank you Mandy!  I guess I need to take some angrier photos, instead of all the pretty flower ones.  Some days are just not pretty flower days.]